Just a brief little story for you, about how I heard the dumbest thing ever yesterday. Literally, the dumbest thing ever. And I am literally using literally literally in this case.
So, I was out at the grocer, buying some veg. And this girl and her boyfriend were looking to buy some fruit. It sounded, from the brief snippet of conversation, like she was maybe starting a new healthy diet, or something.
Anyway, they were browsing away, and she picks up this bag of apples. And her boyfriend says,
“Oh, get that. Look: it’s one of your five a day. There’s a sticker.”
(You might at this point think that the dumbest thing is that they needed a sticker to tell them that. You’d be wrong.)
“What, the whole bag?
(There it is.)
“Because I’m not going to eat the whole bag just for one of my five a day.”
Let me clarify: this was, perhaps, a 2kg bag of apples. Maybe 1.5kg. We’re talking a lot of apple. The sort of volume of fruit that wouldn’t see you shit straight for a week.
Seriously, people: how the fuck do you not get how this works.
* * *
As I was driving home from my little visit, this douchebag pulled up right behind me and tail-gated me. I was tootling along at a perfectly reasonable pace (i.e. – 60mph on an A-road) in my little Fiat, Marcetta. Yes, she’s named after The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Well done if you got that.
Eventually he went speeding past. He had gone about 40 yards further when he ran into a tractor hauling some ridiculous and very wide contraption. He couldn’t get past – it was doing, maybe, 25mph. I, meanwhile, pulled off the main road and onto my drive.